Want to make friends?
Try making conversation
A popular topic of conversation among friends these days is how hard it is to make new friends as an adult. The irony of that statement isn’t lost on me, but when recent studies show that 30% of young adults identify as lonely and closer to 40% say they only have 1-2 close friends, it’s not surprising that this continues to come up.1
Making friends is certainly harder than it was when we spent more time in shared communal spaces like college dorms and downtown offices, but I think what we’re actually finding difficult is making connection.
And whether it’s new or more or better friends, there’s an intermediary goal that’s more within our reach: better conversations.
I was thinking about this when I showed up solo to an event for subscribers of Hell Gate, an independent, worker-owned news outlet covering New York City. I never know how social I’ll be in a situation like this, where I know no one and the structure is loose enough that if you don’t jump into a conversation when you have the chance, you could be on the outside looking in until the next dance.
After a few fits and starts, I ended up having two good conversations with total strangers, and I think these conditions played a vital part:
Shared interest(s). We weren’t at the same bar for the general premise of socializing. We were at the same bar because we support a common cause, and even the tacit understanding of this shared value made it easier to connect.
No phones in sight. Not even on the table. Though it wasn’t as directed as a networking or speed dating event, everyone seemed to be there to meet other people and did a good job of staying present and engaged.
No plus-1’s. Hell Gate made a conscious choice to limit entry to subscribers only, and though this was probably more about saving dough, it also meant that I was one individual in a room full of individuals who didn’t have a conversational crutch to fall back on.
Maybe I just got lucky this time, but if I were interested in making new connections again in the near future, I’d lean into a niche interest, leave my phone on silent, and go it alone. Chances are, someone else is doing the same thing right now, too.
Harvard GSE Study: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5b7c56e255b02c683659fe43/t/6537db8894f0802b6480d38e/1698159503140/On+Edge_FINAL.pdf