Dating, jobs, and trying less

How playing hard to get actually worked

When I stopped looking for the kinds of jobs I thought I wanted (and had spent a year applying to) and finally gave myself over completely to the mercy of Biden Bucks and Cuomo Coins, a few opportunities that I was actually interested in finally came calling. It reminded me of a phenomenon more common to the dating landscape: play hard to get and someone will come to ask why you aren’t playing anymore.

Maybe these kinds of opportunities were there all along, hidden by the fact that they are nothing like the jobs I had been applying to, nothing like the jobs I thought I needed, either for my ego, salary requirements, or some other ingrained American Dream success complex. It got me thinking that maybe the kinds of relationships I’d been pursuing weren’t exactly the best fit either.

These new opportunities are contract work, hourly and flexible, and likely the future of work for a lot of us. My story isn’t unique. A historic number of people lost seemingly secure jobs last year, and have gotten by thanks to a combination of public benefits and gig work. These jobs don’t have all the bells and whistles that have been baked into the formula for attracting and retaining talent, but much like I’m doing here each week, I get a chance to do something I enjoy on my own time.

I’m not advising job seekers to let the mysteries of the universe do all the work and wait for opportunities to come to them, but I am once again recommending a break. Enough time to think about what’s actually best for you (or to actually stop thinking about it at all) and if your current efforts are getting you closer to it. There’s a rewiring that occurs when you say no to something that doesn’t serve you, when you swear off men or liquor or another vice that’s plagued you for too long. You give less time and resources to your demons and even if you’re not actively “working on yourself,” you’ll find yourself in a better position to receive and evaluate more serious offers.

And that’s how it often happens in romance, too. You mute the boorish behavior of your matches, you break up with people you’ve dated a little too long, you eventually swear the whole thing off only to have a few drinks weeks later and log back in to find that someone pretty interesting is in your inbox and you’re in a better place to meet them halfway.

You let your guard down, you soften up, and you allow some truth to sneak in. And the truth is that what you thought you wanted was drowning out what you actually needed. It turns out you, the person who spends every waking and non-waking moment with yourself, might have been a little too close to see that.

The parameters that you set for your job or your love life— this salary, that height, this sector, that neighborhood—are all well and good, but it turns out you don’t really want to be a technical writer for a financial services company or date someone who is. You do want some stability and healthcare in your life, but if every workday is a slog, every personal evening is going to take some extra work to get up for.

So maybe it’s time to check out for a spell and let your messages pile up. It’s going to be a hot summer. Drink some water, cut off some toxic people, and get your best self out there.