An interview with my dad as I prepare to become a father myself

and an introduction to Dad Mag

As I prepare to welcome my first child any day now, I find myself wanting to connect with and learn from other dads on this journey. How are they balancing creativity, ambition, and fatherhood? How can we support each other and our partners as we figure it out?

As part record-keeping, part copying the homework of the guys already doing it well, and part holding myself accountable to continue showing up and writing, I’m introducing a new project called Dad Mag.

It will be its own separate newsletter here on Substack consisting of short interviews with dads from all walks of life and personal essays about what I’ve gotten myself into. If you’re interested in the same thoughtful writing with a focus on fatherhood, parenting, and community, I encourage you to subscribe. Speaking of, here’s the first edition, an interview with my own dad, to give you an idea of what to expect.

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An interview with my dad

When dreaming up Dad Mag, I kept coming back to the idea that it should start where I started — with my dad. Michael Neary is a former hotel manager, avid golfer, meticulous landscaper, and one hell of a dad. Here he is, kicking off the Dad Mag interview series in his own words.

Dad Mag: When did you join the dad ranks and who do you have to thank?

Michael: I’ve been a dad for 39 and a half years, which is the age of my oldest child, Caroline. My fraternal twin sons, Jack and Noah, just turned 36.

I didn’t get to meet him so I’m curious how your relationship with your own dad influenced the way you parent.

My dad, John, passed away from a stroke when I was 17, shortly before my graduation from high school. I was the youngest of three boys; a "mistake," no doubt, as one of my brothers was 7 years older and the other 14 years older!

I feel I inherited qualities and tendencies from my father, but I can't say I remember being shaped by his parenting, per se. He was a fine guy and role model in many ways — reader, wordsmith, raconteur and served on every town board you could think of — and some memories include his attending many of my Little League games, playing together in parent-child golf tournaments and his help in polishing up the Memorial Day address I was asked to give at our town's ceremony.

No other real father figures for me, though I did admire and probably emulate some bosses over the years. I'm not a big advice-seeker. I like to add up the facts, mull it over a bit and make a decision. The best advice and support I received as a father came from my wife and life partner; I believe you know her.

As someone who’s thinking about the ways that parenthood will shrink the time I have for more individual pursuits, I’d love to hear how you balanced personal interests that were important to you with the demands of fatherhood.

It comes down to being consistent. You can't attend every event in your child's life but you can get to 99.9% of the important ones. Sometimes you’re lucky enough to have overlapping interests with your kids, but family rituals such as having dinner together and summer trips count for something, too.

There’s one hobby that you didn’t explore until your kids were out of the house and you had retired from a long career in hotel and club management, and that was modeling, a field you had no previous experience in. Tell me about what drove that decision.

The modeling adventure took place over a year and a half. I never thought about it during my working years. I guess it popped into my head when all the free time appeared after retiring. The benefits seemed to me to be: work as much or as little as you want, pick up some easy dough, and meet some interesting people.

I researched the Florida modeling scene and quickly realized the action was in Miami. I made a list of agencies which were all in the Lincoln Road area, and most of their websites said they were available to meet new prospects without an appointment so I psyched myself up for a couple days and pointed the car south for the 100 mile trip.

On the way down I felt a little like I was jumping off a pier. I carried with me a card with several headshots and my contact information that a friend helped me pull together. The only agency name I recognized was Ford so I started there. Very nice, but no dice.

The next one within walking distance turned out to be MP MEGAMIAMI. An attractive and pleasant woman stepped out of a staff meeting and interviewed me. After a short time she basically said "Let's give it a try" and, just like that, a door had opened. I remember her saying I shouldn't expect things to take off like a rocket ship and, lightheartedly, "You'll be my golf guy."

That day was the best part of the experience - research, door-knocking and resiliency had paid off and I felt pretty good. After approximately six unsuccessful casting calls which each chewed up a full day and 200 miles, I got my first and last paying job. If you're ever in Colombia, look for the tv ad for a bladder control product with a handsome guy in it.

Do you regret not pursuing it sooner?

No, I just wish the opportunities had been closer to home so I could have avoided the hellish two hour drive to Miami.

Did you learn anything from the experience that could help a new dad wrestling with work and creative pursuits?

I would tell a new dad not to fret over where creative dreams fit in the grand scheme of things. First things first - take care of your family and the rest will fall into place.

Your kids are now in their 30s and building families of their own. What does fatherhood look like now that your kids have grown up?

The script is gradually being flipped. Things that I taught you by example — looking after those in your care, being positive, working hard, even party planning! — are now your strengths with your mother and I being the beneficiaries.

I appreciate you taking the time to kick off Dad Mag’s interview series. Before we go, can you leave us with one good piece of advice for new fathers?

New dads should be aware that even if they execute their role perfectly, divine guidance and/or Mother Nature dictates that mom will forever be the glue in the equation.